Self-Love Is Kindness You Don’t Have to Earn
Sara Mathew, MSC Intern
In Part 1, we explored how self-love begins with safety and regulation, how we learn it through relationships, and how it’s built through self-respect in addition to self-esteem. But understanding these foundations is only part of the story.
The question many people ask next is: What does self-love actually look like in practice?
Below are four ways to actively practice self-love, even on the days when you don’t feel deserving of it.
Many people only allow themselves care once they’ve achieved something:
“I’ll relax after I finish everything.”
“I’ll feel good when I lose weight.”
“I’ll be proud when I succeed.”
But this turns care into a reward instead of a need. Self-love asks a different question: “Can I treat myself kindly before I’ve fixed everything?”
What to actually do:
- Give yourself permission to rest before you finish your to-do list
- Treat yourself kindly before you’ve “fixed” yourself
- Ask: “Can I be gentle with myself right now, even though I’m struggling?”
- Challenge the voice that says “I’ll deserve care when I’m better/thinner/more successful”
Self-love interrupts the belief that kindness must be deserved first.
Self-Love Includes Curiosity Toward the Parts of You That Struggle
Instead of asking: “Why am I like this?”
Try asking: “What is this reaction trying to protect?” or “What does this part of me need?”
Many behaviors we dislike developed for a reason. Maybe to protect us, prevent pain, or maintain connection at some point in life.
What to actually do:
- When you notice self-criticism, pause and ask: “What is this part trying to protect me from?”
- Journal: “If this anxiety/perfectionism/people-pleasing could talk, what would it say?”
- Respond to yourself like you’d respond to a scared kid
- Try and listen to the part of you that’s struggling instead of fighting it
Self-love doesn’t erase our past or our pain. Instead it changes how we relate to it. Rather than fighting ourselves, we can begin to listen differently to our inner voices.
You Don’t Have to Feel Self-Love to Practice It
Self-love often grows through action first, emotion second.
You can practice it by asking:
- What would a caring version of me do next?
- What is one small step toward support?
- If a friend were in this situation, what would I say to them? Then do that for yourself.
We don’t wait until we believe we matter to act like we matter. Especially if we find it difficult, if we act, and then the belief will slowly follow.
Self-Love Also Means Allowing Care From Others
Many people find it easier to give support than to receive it. Accepting care can feel uncomfortable, undeserved, or even unsafe.
But self-love includes letting connection exist.
It can look like:
- Saying “yes” when someone offers help, even if it feels uncomfortable
- Not minimizing your needs (“I’m fine, it’s not a big deal”)
- Letting someone comfort you when you’re upset. Not deflecting or changing the subject.
- Practicing sitting with the discomfort of being cared for without immediately giving back
- Trusting that support doesn’t have to be transactional
Receiving care challenges the belief that you must handle everything alone to be worthy.
A Long-Term Practice, Not a Destination
There is no moment where self-love becomes permanent.
Some days it feels natural. Other days it disappears entirely. Self-love is not constant confidence, perfect body image, or never struggling again. It is the practice of returning to yourself after criticism, repairing the relationship you have with your own mind, and choosing yourself even when life is hard.
The path is rarely linear. But over time, your inner voice will become steadier, kinder, and easier to trust. Self-love isn’t a personality trait. It’s a relationship with yourself, and one you build across a lifetime.
Mindful Springs Counseling is a nationwide mental health center specializing in non-traditional therapy services like Brainspotting and Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy and 100% independently owned by Aimee Solis, Founder and Executive Director. Mindful Springs has locations in Colorado, Washington and Illinois.