Self-Love as A Practice, Not a Feeling
Sara Mathew, MSC Intern
How We Learn Self-Love
For many people, February is synonymous with flowers, chocolate, and romance. We’re surrounded by messages about loving others, but much less about loving ourselves. And for many, self-love is actually harder to attain.
Self-love is often described as if it should come naturally, as if one day you wake up confident, secure, and comfortable in your own mind. But for many people, especially those who grew up without consistent safety, affection, or emotional attunement, self-love is not instinctive. It is learned.
It’s less something we find and more something we build through experience, relationships, and practice. Below are some of the keys to this journey, no matter where you are on it.
Self-Love Begins With Safety, Not Affirmations
For many people, phrases like “just love yourself” feel frustrating or even impossible. Not because they don’t want to, but because their nervous system is so focused on survival.
A mind that feels unsafe cannot easily generate compassion. Before self-esteem and before confidence must comes regulation.
Self-love often starts with a quieter question: “Am I safe enough right now to be present with myself?”
What to actually do to calm your body before trying to challenge your thoughts:
- Practice grounding exercises: 5-4-3-2-1 senses, cold water on your wrists, feet flat on the floor
- Build predictable routines: same morning ritual, regular mealtimes, sleep hygiene practice
- Reduce environments that trigger shame: curate your social media, limit contact with negative people
When the nervous system settles, kindness becomes more accessible. Regulation makes compassion feel within reach.
We Learn Self-Love Through Being Received by Others
Self-love does not begin in isolation.
Humans develop a sense of self through relationships. When we are listened to, responded to, and cared for consistently, we begin to internalize that care. Over time, it becomes the same voice we use with ourselves.
This is why safe relationships (including therapy) can be so powerful. Not because someone gives advice, but because they offer repeated experiences of consistency, non-judgment, and repair.
What this looks like:
- Pay attention to how safe people speak to you: Look for their tone, their patience, their lack of judgment
- Notice what it feels like when someone believes in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself yet
- Practice borrowing their voice: “What would my [therapist/friend/partner] say to me right now?” Then say that to yourself
We often borrow compassion before we can create it on our own. Self-love isn’t created out of thin air. It’s practiced in connection first, then carried inward.
Self-Love Is Built Through Self-Respect, Not Just Self-Esteem
We often think self-love comes from feeling confident. But confidence fluctuates. Mood fluctuates. Self-esteem changes depending on success, appearance, or approval. Self-respect is different.
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. It goes up and down based on what’s happening in your life.
Self-respect is how you treat yourself, consistently, even when things aren’t going well.
Self-love grows from behavior more than emotion.
In practice, this looks like:
- Honoring your boundaries even when it’s uncomfortable
- Resting when you need rest, not just when you’ve “earned” it
- Choosing environments and people that support you
- Not abandoning yourself to keep the peace
- Speaking to yourself with basic dignity
Often the action comes first. The feeling follows.
Self-love is not something you achieve once and keep forever. It’s a practice you return to, again and again. Some days it feels easier than others. Some days you’ll need to remind yourself that how you treat yourself matters, even when you don’t feel worthy of it yet. The work is in the returning – choosing to show up for yourself, even imperfectly, over time.
In Part 2, we’ll explore how to practice self-love through kindness, curiosity, and connection.
Mindful Springs Counseling is a nationwide mental health center specializing in non-traditional therapy services like Brainspotting and Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy and 100% independently owned by Aimee Solis, Founder and Executive Director. Mindful Springs has locations in Colorado, Washington and Illinois.